I got this great question from a reader in a very frustrated and negative place in her life. As it turns out, I believe this woman is stuck in the friend-zone with the man in question. Read on for more...
Hello Sarah,
I signed up after hearing about you guys from a friend. Here’s my dilemma. It’s pretty complex but I will try to keep it short.
This man and I were seeing each other casually 3 years ago for 8 months. We even went on a vacation together. He would always bring up how I probably HAVE to be with someone my own background and I would always say I do not. I really don’t, it’s not a must by my parents or anything like that..he just has that in his head! Since then, he has gotten back with his ex, and broke up. In between we always remained friends and talked on regular basis-strictly platonic. The great conversation, physical attraction and chemistry is undeniable by both. He is now with someone and told me how it is not working and how end is near. He also told me what it is he is looking for and what kind of a person he wants to be with—basically he regurgitated everything I told him I’m looking for in life and a man and said it back to me. I am really confused now because he is finally now talking like he is on the same page as me. He said he will break up with his girlfriend and if I’d like to grab a drink. I would love to try a relationship with him...and I am not willing to have a fling. Please help me better understand all this!
Thank you.
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Thank you for your question, I appreciate it, and I hope to be able to help you.
I have read your question several times, and as difficult as it is to say – I think you need to move on from this man.
Being on the outside looking in, I see a definite pattern here, and it does not take a dating advice expert like Christian Carter to tell you that this man is using you as a fall-back. Let’s take a look at why…
1) He was qualifying your relationship from the beginning, making excuses for reasons that it would not work (saying you need to be with someone from your own background/culture).
2) He went into a relationship with another woman
3) That relationship goes bad, and he comes back to you
4) Instead of being with you, he again moves on to someone else, and again, when that relationship goes bad, he comes back to you.
I know that is hard to hear, and I wish I could tell you that your relationship is going to be wonderful and healthy and full of love, but its not. He is regurgitating your ideal man’s characteristics in order to get you to come back and be his band-aid again for a while, not because he really believes after all this time that he is Mr. Right for you, but because you gratify him in some way and re-inflate his ego when he is down.
Christian Carter talks about this in the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook. He asks the question “Are you his ‘Casual For Now’ girl or are you ‘Relationship Material’?” (page 47). It seems to me that your “man” is using you for immediate gratification, and whether that is sexual, emotional, egotistical or intellectual it does not matter. To a man, though, this casual, instant gratification relationship is TOTALLY different than the “relationship material” intimacy. It may seem pretty cold and calculated to a woman, but for a man, sex, intimacy and these kinds of “connections”” do NOT mean a relationship to him. And the thing is, it is VERY difficult for a woman to go (in a man’s mind) from a casual girl to relationship material. In other words, you have to be girlfriend material from the beginning, (and NEVER do the “friends with benefits” angle, it never works) and unfortunately, this man is not looking at you in that light.
So what CAN you do? Well, first off, scrap this guy. You deserve better. Check out these pointers that will help you Catch Him and Keep Him for good!
1) NEVER EVER have sex with a casual date and expect him to become interested and get into a relationship with you because of it. To men, sex is not the pre-cursor to a relationship, it is SEX and that’s it. He’s not going to develop attraction for you because of it. You have to go at it the other way around.
2) Remain a little “unavailable” to a man with whom you WANT to develop attraction. Make sure he knows you are busy, you are in demand and you are not an easy catch. This will make you more attractive to him.
3) Be cool - in other words – men do not like women who are emotionally volatile, loud, demanding and hard to please. Have FUN – go with the flow, be a leader but also be able to follow
4) Love YOURSELF – be comfortable in your own skin, make eye contact, have a strong handshake, sit up straight and embrace your pride and dignity. Don’t be worried and ashamed about what you don’t like about yourself, be proud of what you DO have and make the most of it.
5) Join interest groups and do activities that you love – and make friends in these groups. Chances are you will find a good man with similar interests, and you will have a great base before you even start for a relationship.
There is so much more I could tell you, but these are some basic starting points from which you can begin to meet the kind of man you want to meet.
I wish you the best, and be strong!
Love, Sarah
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
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