I got this great question from a reader in a very frustrated and negative place in her life. As it turns out, I believe this woman is stuck in the friend-zone with the man in question. Read on for more...
Hello Sarah,
I signed up after hearing about you guys from a friend. Here’s my dilemma. It’s pretty complex but I will try to keep it short.
This man and I were seeing each other casually 3 years ago for 8 months. We even went on a vacation together. He would always bring up how I probably HAVE to be with someone my own background and I would always say I do not. I really don’t, it’s not a must by my parents or anything like that..he just has that in his head! Since then, he has gotten back with his ex, and broke up. In between we always remained friends and talked on regular basis-strictly platonic. The great conversation, physical attraction and chemistry is undeniable by both. He is now with someone and told me how it is not working and how end is near. He also told me what it is he is looking for and what kind of a person he wants to be with—basically he regurgitated everything I told him I’m looking for in life and a man and said it back to me. I am really confused now because he is finally now talking like he is on the same page as me. He said he will break up with his girlfriend and if I’d like to grab a drink. I would love to try a relationship with him...and I am not willing to have a fling. Please help me better understand all this!
Thank you.
-------------------------------
Thank you for your question, I appreciate it, and I hope to be able to help you.
I have read your question several times, and as difficult as it is to say – I think you need to move on from this man.
Being on the outside looking in, I see a definite pattern here, and it does not take a dating advice expert like Christian Carter to tell you that this man is using you as a fall-back. Let’s take a look at why…
1) He was qualifying your relationship from the beginning, making excuses for reasons that it would not work (saying you need to be with someone from your own background/culture).
2) He went into a relationship with another woman
3) That relationship goes bad, and he comes back to you
4) Instead of being with you, he again moves on to someone else, and again, when that relationship goes bad, he comes back to you.
I know that is hard to hear, and I wish I could tell you that your relationship is going to be wonderful and healthy and full of love, but its not. He is regurgitating your ideal man’s characteristics in order to get you to come back and be his band-aid again for a while, not because he really believes after all this time that he is Mr. Right for you, but because you gratify him in some way and re-inflate his ego when he is down.
Christian Carter talks about this in the Catch Him and Keep Him eBook. He asks the question “Are you his ‘Casual For Now’ girl or are you ‘Relationship Material’?” (page 47). It seems to me that your “man” is using you for immediate gratification, and whether that is sexual, emotional, egotistical or intellectual it does not matter. To a man, though, this casual, instant gratification relationship is TOTALLY different than the “relationship material” intimacy. It may seem pretty cold and calculated to a woman, but for a man, sex, intimacy and these kinds of “connections”” do NOT mean a relationship to him. And the thing is, it is VERY difficult for a woman to go (in a man’s mind) from a casual girl to relationship material. In other words, you have to be girlfriend material from the beginning, (and NEVER do the “friends with benefits” angle, it never works) and unfortunately, this man is not looking at you in that light.
So what CAN you do? Well, first off, scrap this guy. You deserve better. Check out these pointers that will help you Catch Him and Keep Him for good!
1) NEVER EVER have sex with a casual date and expect him to become interested and get into a relationship with you because of it. To men, sex is not the pre-cursor to a relationship, it is SEX and that’s it. He’s not going to develop attraction for you because of it. You have to go at it the other way around.
2) Remain a little “unavailable” to a man with whom you WANT to develop attraction. Make sure he knows you are busy, you are in demand and you are not an easy catch. This will make you more attractive to him.
3) Be cool - in other words – men do not like women who are emotionally volatile, loud, demanding and hard to please. Have FUN – go with the flow, be a leader but also be able to follow
4) Love YOURSELF – be comfortable in your own skin, make eye contact, have a strong handshake, sit up straight and embrace your pride and dignity. Don’t be worried and ashamed about what you don’t like about yourself, be proud of what you DO have and make the most of it.
5) Join interest groups and do activities that you love – and make friends in these groups. Chances are you will find a good man with similar interests, and you will have a great base before you even start for a relationship.
There is so much more I could tell you, but these are some basic starting points from which you can begin to meet the kind of man you want to meet.
I wish you the best, and be strong!
Love, Sarah
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Christian Carter is RIGHT - You Already Know The Answer Deep Inside
I know that I have touched on Women's Intuition previously in my blog, and Christian Carter writes a lot about a woman's ability to intuit meaning and purpose in certain situations very accurately and concisely. However, I cannot stress enough that most women, if they look deep inside them, already know the answer to most of the questions they ask. This reader and her situation is a perfect example. She has written in, asking for my relationship advice, but if you read her question, you will see that SHE ALREADY KNOWS the answer - this guy is BAD NEWS. She would not be describing the things she is or talking about the nuances if she did not already have a feeling that something was NOT RIGHT.
So what is my point? EMPOWERMENT, ladies. We are all wonderful, intelligent, sensual and worthwhile creatures, and we DO NOT NEED validation from men or anyone else to be the kind of person that draws and deserves love and affection. As Christian Carter encourages women to do, HEED your own inner voice and go with it - and you will be happier for doing so.
Read on....
Hi Sarah -
I met this man in a club while waiting for friends to arrive. I went up to him and his friend and introduced myself and started talking. I immediately recognized them as military and thanked them for their service to our country. My clothing-I had on all black, a skirt, high heels, a closed top (no cleavage showing) and a jacket on top of that-was conservative. I stated that I was waiting for friends and we all made small talk. As I talked to both of them (I will refer to them as guy A and guy B), guy B acted like he didn't want to talk to me much, so I ignored him and spent more time talking to guy A. A short while later, my friends sent me a text message stating their change of plans. I showed both guy A and B the message. That meant I would be there alone. I stood alone for a very short time then continued to talk to both guys. I felt they accepted me in their "group" and we started having a great time and dancing while standing at the bar.
Guy A started text messaging his girlfriend and I gave him advice. Guy B overheard this. I suggested that both guy A and B talk to girls I thought would be good for them. Guy B then started giving me compliments about my looks after I mentioned my age. He thought I was much younger than I was. He continued, and I responded with a lot of praise and adoration for his comments. I told guy B I was going to look around upstairs and would return. I did, but before I could return, guy B met me on the stairs asking where I was going. I said I was returning. He stated that he thought I wasn't and I said I would prove it by going back with him, which I did. Guy B wouldn't leave my side for some reason. A short while later, I told both guys I was going home. Guy B said he would like the opportunity to take me out and asked for my telephone number. I gave him my card. I walked out, got in my car, not far from the club. Because I sat for a few moments changing my high heels, guy A & B left the club and came my way. I said hi to them, they reciprocated and began talking to me. I gave them a ride to their car and guy B gave me his number and said he would call. I did not initiate any further contact with guy A, nor did he. It was clear that guy B was "interested" in me only.
Guy B
In the beginning, I did not contact guy B in any way. Guy B called me four days later, while he was driving a long distance. We talked for almost an hour and enjoyed it. He called every couple of days but never asked me out. I didn't ask him out, I just enjoyed our conversations. During a routine conversation, guy B made a comment that if a person wanted to go out with someone, they would act on it immediately. So I asked him, when was he going to do that with me. He said, he didn't know where to take me in the city I lived in and when he takes someone out, he wants the location to be a reflection of him. So, he would have to step up his game and find someplace soon. I didn't respond. After that, we talked on the phone almost every day. He even went out of town and called me from across the country. When he returned, he finally asked me out, we went on a week night and had a great time. After we left each other, I sent guy B a text message thanking and telling him how much fun I had. He replied immediately saying he was glad I enjoyed it as much as he did. Right after that, guy B stopped calling and "texting." Nothing. I felt dumped. So I texted him two days later saying hi. He responded a day later saying he was asleep but good. Then, nothing, no contact between us for a week, it killed me because I was starting to really like him. He then called and I said-did you call to ask me to lunch? He said yes, and we went. We had a good time. While at lunch, I asked him his last name because I didn't remember it. He wouldn't tell me. He stated that he already told me and wouldn't repeat it. I reminded him that he knew my last name. So he confirmed his last name as what I thought I heard. He brought me back to my house and hung around so much that I invited him in. I took a pic of him before we went in, however, he wouldn't take off his sunglasses. I was a little embarrassed because of the small size of my apt. and think I acted too emotional.
He left, we exchanged texts' then nothing until he sent me texts' that next week. During the down time, I didn't contact him in any way. His text asked me a personal question. I answered it then asked him a question. We went back and forth. He said he had a job for me, to "share smiles, cries and intimate moments". I kept it light by saying does the job include holidays, wknds, salary, etc. His response was it does and more to be determined. He then asked me what I was looking for. I made a joke, kept it light and funny, then I told him two times. He said it sounded platonic. I said it was not, I then went on to say it was hard to convey voice tones in a text message. I re-wrote it again, telling him that I wanted a relationship, then something more serious, if/when we both decided. He response-"they are some hefty demands-what are you bringing to the table?" I kept it light, and made a joke. I then said they were not demands, I was just answering his questions. I asked him if we could talk over the phone, he said it would be hard to talk by phone while he was working this particular job. So I texted a question-was he married, living with someone, or in a relationship? He said no. I asked a question about his job, he didn't respond. (4) four days later with a response to a different text message about a sport, he answered my question. When I read it, it felt like he was rushing past me and didn't want to address anything serious. So I didn't respond.
What do you think is going on? Is he interested in me? Does he only want to chase. Is he married? My friends say he is not interested in me. What should I do if I want to get him? I found out, by being a detective, that he gave me an incorrect last name. What do I do now?
Thanks so much Sarah.
*S*
Hey *S* -
Thanks for sending in so much detail with your relationship question. It really makes it easier to answer a question from someone you have never met when you know as much as possible about the situation.
So, on to your question. My gut reaction to this is that he is just playing games with you. If he were truly interested in you, he would not be displaying some of the characteristics he is. However, we also need to touch on your own trust in YOURSELF, and as Christan Carter says, trusting in your OWN intuition!
First of all, the last name - that really bothers me. Why would someone hide their last name or give you a false name if they wanted to get into a deep and meaningful relationship with you? This really raises my alarm bells and makes it sound to me like he is hiding something.
The fact, too, that he would not take off his sunglasses for a picture raised some flags for me as well - and honestly, if you look at your own female intuition, it must have raised flags for you as well, otherwise that would not be something you would mention in your email. It sounds to me like he does not want any "proof" that he was there - like if you showed someone the picture of him, he could possibly deny that it was actually him.
His inability or unwillingness to answer your questions about relationships, or his defensiveness when it comes to your honesty about what you are looking for is also not a good sign.
But, *S*, I think you really know all this. One of the things I see with women on a very frequent basis is the inability to trust your own intuition and the things that you probably know already in your gut. Don't feel bad - this is SO common. But I see this in you and in the things you wrote - it is almost as if what you needed from me was confirmation to be suspicious about this guy's behavior.
So what I would like to challenge YOU to do is to begin to learn how to trust the things that you perceive. Perception is many things - visual cues, body language, spoken cues, observations and many times, intuition and instinct. Women need to learn, especially, to trust their intuition when it comes to relationship and men, and not to turn those "truth seekers" off by trying to read into actions and words - actions and words can be deliberately misleading, while intuition and your senses as a woman are generally right on.
Love,
Sarah
So what is my point? EMPOWERMENT, ladies. We are all wonderful, intelligent, sensual and worthwhile creatures, and we DO NOT NEED validation from men or anyone else to be the kind of person that draws and deserves love and affection. As Christian Carter encourages women to do, HEED your own inner voice and go with it - and you will be happier for doing so.
Read on....
Hi Sarah -
I met this man in a club while waiting for friends to arrive. I went up to him and his friend and introduced myself and started talking. I immediately recognized them as military and thanked them for their service to our country. My clothing-I had on all black, a skirt, high heels, a closed top (no cleavage showing) and a jacket on top of that-was conservative. I stated that I was waiting for friends and we all made small talk. As I talked to both of them (I will refer to them as guy A and guy B), guy B acted like he didn't want to talk to me much, so I ignored him and spent more time talking to guy A. A short while later, my friends sent me a text message stating their change of plans. I showed both guy A and B the message. That meant I would be there alone. I stood alone for a very short time then continued to talk to both guys. I felt they accepted me in their "group" and we started having a great time and dancing while standing at the bar.
Guy A started text messaging his girlfriend and I gave him advice. Guy B overheard this. I suggested that both guy A and B talk to girls I thought would be good for them. Guy B then started giving me compliments about my looks after I mentioned my age. He thought I was much younger than I was. He continued, and I responded with a lot of praise and adoration for his comments. I told guy B I was going to look around upstairs and would return. I did, but before I could return, guy B met me on the stairs asking where I was going. I said I was returning. He stated that he thought I wasn't and I said I would prove it by going back with him, which I did. Guy B wouldn't leave my side for some reason. A short while later, I told both guys I was going home. Guy B said he would like the opportunity to take me out and asked for my telephone number. I gave him my card. I walked out, got in my car, not far from the club. Because I sat for a few moments changing my high heels, guy A & B left the club and came my way. I said hi to them, they reciprocated and began talking to me. I gave them a ride to their car and guy B gave me his number and said he would call. I did not initiate any further contact with guy A, nor did he. It was clear that guy B was "interested" in me only.
Guy B
In the beginning, I did not contact guy B in any way. Guy B called me four days later, while he was driving a long distance. We talked for almost an hour and enjoyed it. He called every couple of days but never asked me out. I didn't ask him out, I just enjoyed our conversations. During a routine conversation, guy B made a comment that if a person wanted to go out with someone, they would act on it immediately. So I asked him, when was he going to do that with me. He said, he didn't know where to take me in the city I lived in and when he takes someone out, he wants the location to be a reflection of him. So, he would have to step up his game and find someplace soon. I didn't respond. After that, we talked on the phone almost every day. He even went out of town and called me from across the country. When he returned, he finally asked me out, we went on a week night and had a great time. After we left each other, I sent guy B a text message thanking and telling him how much fun I had. He replied immediately saying he was glad I enjoyed it as much as he did. Right after that, guy B stopped calling and "texting." Nothing. I felt dumped. So I texted him two days later saying hi. He responded a day later saying he was asleep but good. Then, nothing, no contact between us for a week, it killed me because I was starting to really like him. He then called and I said-did you call to ask me to lunch? He said yes, and we went. We had a good time. While at lunch, I asked him his last name because I didn't remember it. He wouldn't tell me. He stated that he already told me and wouldn't repeat it. I reminded him that he knew my last name. So he confirmed his last name as what I thought I heard. He brought me back to my house and hung around so much that I invited him in. I took a pic of him before we went in, however, he wouldn't take off his sunglasses. I was a little embarrassed because of the small size of my apt. and think I acted too emotional.
He left, we exchanged texts' then nothing until he sent me texts' that next week. During the down time, I didn't contact him in any way. His text asked me a personal question. I answered it then asked him a question. We went back and forth. He said he had a job for me, to "share smiles, cries and intimate moments". I kept it light by saying does the job include holidays, wknds, salary, etc. His response was it does and more to be determined. He then asked me what I was looking for. I made a joke, kept it light and funny, then I told him two times. He said it sounded platonic. I said it was not, I then went on to say it was hard to convey voice tones in a text message. I re-wrote it again, telling him that I wanted a relationship, then something more serious, if/when we both decided. He response-"they are some hefty demands-what are you bringing to the table?" I kept it light, and made a joke. I then said they were not demands, I was just answering his questions. I asked him if we could talk over the phone, he said it would be hard to talk by phone while he was working this particular job. So I texted a question-was he married, living with someone, or in a relationship? He said no. I asked a question about his job, he didn't respond. (4) four days later with a response to a different text message about a sport, he answered my question. When I read it, it felt like he was rushing past me and didn't want to address anything serious. So I didn't respond.
What do you think is going on? Is he interested in me? Does he only want to chase. Is he married? My friends say he is not interested in me. What should I do if I want to get him? I found out, by being a detective, that he gave me an incorrect last name. What do I do now?
Thanks so much Sarah.
*S*
Hey *S* -
Thanks for sending in so much detail with your relationship question. It really makes it easier to answer a question from someone you have never met when you know as much as possible about the situation.
So, on to your question. My gut reaction to this is that he is just playing games with you. If he were truly interested in you, he would not be displaying some of the characteristics he is. However, we also need to touch on your own trust in YOURSELF, and as Christan Carter says, trusting in your OWN intuition!
First of all, the last name - that really bothers me. Why would someone hide their last name or give you a false name if they wanted to get into a deep and meaningful relationship with you? This really raises my alarm bells and makes it sound to me like he is hiding something.
The fact, too, that he would not take off his sunglasses for a picture raised some flags for me as well - and honestly, if you look at your own female intuition, it must have raised flags for you as well, otherwise that would not be something you would mention in your email. It sounds to me like he does not want any "proof" that he was there - like if you showed someone the picture of him, he could possibly deny that it was actually him.
His inability or unwillingness to answer your questions about relationships, or his defensiveness when it comes to your honesty about what you are looking for is also not a good sign.
But, *S*, I think you really know all this. One of the things I see with women on a very frequent basis is the inability to trust your own intuition and the things that you probably know already in your gut. Don't feel bad - this is SO common. But I see this in you and in the things you wrote - it is almost as if what you needed from me was confirmation to be suspicious about this guy's behavior.
So what I would like to challenge YOU to do is to begin to learn how to trust the things that you perceive. Perception is many things - visual cues, body language, spoken cues, observations and many times, intuition and instinct. Women need to learn, especially, to trust their intuition when it comes to relationship and men, and not to turn those "truth seekers" off by trying to read into actions and words - actions and words can be deliberately misleading, while intuition and your senses as a woman are generally right on.
Love,
Sarah
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Christian Carter - Inside the Mind of a Man - What to Do When He Just Wants Sex
As a woman, Christian Carter says, it is completely normal to want to get inside the mind of a man, to delve into his heart, his emotions, his brain – to figure out the how and why of everything he does, says and desires.
Unfortunately, without the right tools and the right perspective, many women believe they are doing this and doing it well – only to come to find out that they were completely wrong in their projections about their man’s behavior. On the other hand – a woman may never find out if she is wrong or right – she may simply be left behind, abandoned and questioning her intuition, assumptions and most of all, her love.
Delving inside the mind of a man looks to be a daunting task, after all, what can be more different than a woman – aside from a man?
Before we answer that question, I want to share with you a question from a reader that I got a few days ago. I have been thinking about her question for a while now and how to best answer it. She writes:
Sarah I’d like to ask you a question. I feel completely stuck in a situation and have no idea how to let go because I have become deeply emotionally attached to a man and my feelings towards him are incredibly strong. Because of the nature of the situation it wouldn’t help to tell him how I feel. I'd known him for some time; he recently got a divorce from a 16 yr marriage. There was infidelity from the other side. He was doing some work on my house in February this year and unexpectedly made a move on me. I responded. I was just taken by him after that and assumed that he wanted a relationship with me. I really didn’t figure out straight away that he wanted something purely sexual. I like him and I’m attached so I want more with him. Looking back I remember him casually throwing out ''you and me wouldn’t work we got different tastes in music, you've got old decor style''. I didn’t understand what he meant by that at the time because he doesn’t know what music I even like, it was like made up reasons. I didn’t react at the time. For all those months since February those words have bothered me because I don’t know the real reason why he doesn’t want a proper relationship with me. I’m sure he finds me physically attractive. Sarah this is a hard hard situation to be in because I like sex with him so much but I don’t want it to be just that. That so isn’t who I am. I value myself and I like myself but my actions say something different. I had no idea how very strong emotional attachment is and fear to let go. I truly am in not a place I want to be I want more from this. What on earth do I do? Do you believe that these situations can ever become more if so how?
~Wanting More
Well – my heart really goes out to you, and I can certainly see why you are in so much emotional pain. And maybe what I am going to say to you is not going to help that very much in the present tense, but I believe it WILL help you to be a stronger, more independent and vibrant woman in the long run. And much like Christian Carter, I do not believe in pulling punches. I talk straight.
You see, I read what you have written and here is my immediate take. He is using you for sex, plain and simple.
One of the things that Christian Carter talks about in his Inside the Mind of a Man program is that men and women ARE fundamentally different – yet, there are more things that make men and women the SAME than things that make them different. Are you following me so far? It’s kind of like Chimpanzees and people – there are a few things that set us drastically apart – yet, people and chimps are more closely related than most people know, only a few sets of genes different, actually.
So if you look at your situation, and try to put yourself inside his mind – what are you going to find? First of all, that an attractive woman was open to your advances, granted you sexual access to herself, allowed you to come and go as you please and did not seem to perturbed when you lay down (what were, in your mind more than likely) many hints that this was just a sexual fling.
He has obviously experienced infidelity; he has come from a long term relationship and is probably not ready, by any means, to sink his heart and soul into another relationship where he can risk getting hurt again in the same magnitude as his previous relationship.
You asked me, though, if things were hopeless. No, I don’t believe so. However, you probably have a long row to hoe with this man and are going to have to withdraw yourself from him in order to make him want you in more than a purely sexual sense.
Attraction and need, according to Christian Carter, are products of implied scarcity. You have to be able to show him that you are in demand and going out with other people (and don’t just pretend, you need to DO this!). You also need to quit your physical relationship with him, and tell him that he can no longer have that without giving YOU what YOU want – and if he is ok with that, then be strong enough to let him go. Do not give in and think that you can make him want you with sex. Men do not attach the same connotation to sex as women do, Christian Carter says, in his Inside the Mind of a Man program.
So, to recap – be strong and understand things from his point of view here – he is getting what he wants from you for FREE. You need to put a stop to it and put more value upon yourself by denying him his freebies and by applying yourself to people who WILL give you what you want.
And, like Christian Carter says, best of luck in life and love to you. You will find what you need.
Love,
Sarah
Unfortunately, without the right tools and the right perspective, many women believe they are doing this and doing it well – only to come to find out that they were completely wrong in their projections about their man’s behavior. On the other hand – a woman may never find out if she is wrong or right – she may simply be left behind, abandoned and questioning her intuition, assumptions and most of all, her love.
Delving inside the mind of a man looks to be a daunting task, after all, what can be more different than a woman – aside from a man?
Before we answer that question, I want to share with you a question from a reader that I got a few days ago. I have been thinking about her question for a while now and how to best answer it. She writes:
Sarah I’d like to ask you a question. I feel completely stuck in a situation and have no idea how to let go because I have become deeply emotionally attached to a man and my feelings towards him are incredibly strong. Because of the nature of the situation it wouldn’t help to tell him how I feel. I'd known him for some time; he recently got a divorce from a 16 yr marriage. There was infidelity from the other side. He was doing some work on my house in February this year and unexpectedly made a move on me. I responded. I was just taken by him after that and assumed that he wanted a relationship with me. I really didn’t figure out straight away that he wanted something purely sexual. I like him and I’m attached so I want more with him. Looking back I remember him casually throwing out ''you and me wouldn’t work we got different tastes in music, you've got old decor style''. I didn’t understand what he meant by that at the time because he doesn’t know what music I even like, it was like made up reasons. I didn’t react at the time. For all those months since February those words have bothered me because I don’t know the real reason why he doesn’t want a proper relationship with me. I’m sure he finds me physically attractive. Sarah this is a hard hard situation to be in because I like sex with him so much but I don’t want it to be just that. That so isn’t who I am. I value myself and I like myself but my actions say something different. I had no idea how very strong emotional attachment is and fear to let go. I truly am in not a place I want to be I want more from this. What on earth do I do? Do you believe that these situations can ever become more if so how?
~Wanting More
Well – my heart really goes out to you, and I can certainly see why you are in so much emotional pain. And maybe what I am going to say to you is not going to help that very much in the present tense, but I believe it WILL help you to be a stronger, more independent and vibrant woman in the long run. And much like Christian Carter, I do not believe in pulling punches. I talk straight.
You see, I read what you have written and here is my immediate take. He is using you for sex, plain and simple.
One of the things that Christian Carter talks about in his Inside the Mind of a Man program is that men and women ARE fundamentally different – yet, there are more things that make men and women the SAME than things that make them different. Are you following me so far? It’s kind of like Chimpanzees and people – there are a few things that set us drastically apart – yet, people and chimps are more closely related than most people know, only a few sets of genes different, actually.
So if you look at your situation, and try to put yourself inside his mind – what are you going to find? First of all, that an attractive woman was open to your advances, granted you sexual access to herself, allowed you to come and go as you please and did not seem to perturbed when you lay down (what were, in your mind more than likely) many hints that this was just a sexual fling.
He has obviously experienced infidelity; he has come from a long term relationship and is probably not ready, by any means, to sink his heart and soul into another relationship where he can risk getting hurt again in the same magnitude as his previous relationship.
You asked me, though, if things were hopeless. No, I don’t believe so. However, you probably have a long row to hoe with this man and are going to have to withdraw yourself from him in order to make him want you in more than a purely sexual sense.
Attraction and need, according to Christian Carter, are products of implied scarcity. You have to be able to show him that you are in demand and going out with other people (and don’t just pretend, you need to DO this!). You also need to quit your physical relationship with him, and tell him that he can no longer have that without giving YOU what YOU want – and if he is ok with that, then be strong enough to let him go. Do not give in and think that you can make him want you with sex. Men do not attach the same connotation to sex as women do, Christian Carter says, in his Inside the Mind of a Man program.
So, to recap – be strong and understand things from his point of view here – he is getting what he wants from you for FREE. You need to put a stop to it and put more value upon yourself by denying him his freebies and by applying yourself to people who WILL give you what you want.
And, like Christian Carter says, best of luck in life and love to you. You will find what you need.
Love,
Sarah
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Christian Carter on How to Spot A Player
Players. Pick Up Artists. General jerks and jackasses. Christian Carter, in Catch Him and Keep Him, addresses these ego-driven doorknobs, telling women how to spot them and how to deal with them if you find yourself unfortunate enough to get caught up with one. I also get a lot of questions about players – and non-players – especially questions about how to spot either kind of man. Read on for a question from a subscriber….
Dear Sarah –
My question would be I keep getting approached by men with no cars, no jobs or liars. I want to share my home with a man who doesn't do drugs, has a job and a car and like to do sports and I'd like to date. All the men I know claim they can't afford to date and I never get to date unless it's a freebie or family party. No concerts or movies. What can I do to change my life where I can get dates and find a man that I'm evenly yoked with and not who feels he's getting a good deal from a 'good woman'. I want to be the good woman who is getting the props she deserves from the men in her life not just men who turn to hating women as soon as they don't get what they want or are narcissists. Finally, I want to forget about my broken heart from an imaginary 7 year relationship. I don't know why I'm not healed a year later! I look forward to your help. Thank you!
~Tired of the Games
Dear Tired –
I feel your pain! On of the most common dating advice questions I get is either how to spot a player or how to find a good guy – which seem to actually go hand in hand. In order to find a good guy, according to Christian Carter – you need to know how to spot a player! It’s like finding the right fruit in the produce isle – you have to know how to tell the rotten tomatoes from the good tomatoes – by knowing what to look for in the firmness, the skin, the color, the scent – but you will never really know if you have that perfect tomato until you have bitten in – and by that time, you can’t return it.
In other words – what I am saying is that the best way to learn to spot Mr. Right – is to learn to spot Mr. Wrong first.
So, let’s go over a few types of players and how to spot them. If you want to read up on this more extensively, check out Christian Carter’s eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him, pages 59 and on.
Christian Carter writes….
How To Spot A Player… And How To Handle One If You Have To
Let’s dig a little deeper into the male mind. Have you ever been swept off your feet by a man that you just met, only to learn days or weeks later that he wasn’t as interested in being with you as you were led to believe?
Some men view picking up women as a sort of game. (Awful, but true.) They brag about their success with women with each other. Some even have pick-up lines, routines, gags, tricks, and attitudes they use in order to take on a persona they believe will be more attractive to women. Maybe you’ve overheard some men discussing these “pick-up” techniques with each other.
If you’re friends with any “Players,” or if you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of trying to date a hopeless Player, then you know what I’m talking about.
Christian Carter continues, in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook….
There are three different types of Players…
Type 1) The Ego-Driven Players
These are the guys who need attention from multiple women because it feeds their ego and makes them feel better about themselves. They aren’t necessarily bad guys, just shameless flirts that usually don’t know any better than to live their lives seeking approval and validation from multiple women. They know how to make a deep connection right off the bat. Since some women feel so flattered by this attention, they will tend to share more of their private thoughts and feelings with these kinds of men.
Type 2) The “Social” Players.
These are the guys who make a career out of learning how to pick up women and it becomes their favorite evening past-time. You’ll find them out partying constantly, always going somewhere, always having a woman to call and never spending a weekend evening at home. They tend to congregate with other Players like themselves who are out to meet new women.
Type 3) The “Physical” Players.
These guys are seek a purely physical encounter and don’t have much else on their mind. They’re often the more sensual and artistic types and charm women with their body language and their ability to make a woman comfortable with intimate contact soon after they meet.
A few years ago I (Christian Carter) noticed something FASCINATING about the guys that women think of as “Players.” Ever since I’ve been old enough to go out to the places where men and women meet (bars, clubs, restaurants, museums, parties, etc.) I’ve seen men who are good-looking, attractive, entertaining, powerful, etc. attract women regardless of their ultimate intentions.
These guys represent a certain dilemma for women because of the ATTRACTION women feel for them and what I call the guys’ “RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL.”
What I’m getting at is that the qualities that attract women to Players are often the same qualities that make Players bad “boyfriend material.” It’s often these men who aren’t caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc. that women end up feeling attracted to and share chemistry with.
Have you ever felt a strong connection with a dominant, powerful, and unavailable man?
The things is, what often makes men intriguing, interesting, and attractive has NOTHING to do with whether they’d make a good mate or partner. In fact, these men are often the exact wrong types to be looking to for a more meaningful relationship with.
But what’s worse, the men who are actually the ones ready and waiting for a relationship with a woman in their life aren’t often as skilled or experienced at creating a connection with a woman, so women often aren’t attracted to them.
As luck would have it, women are equipped with all kinds of intuitive ability to read through a man’s behavior and to see the good from the bad. Most women can quickly pick up on whether someone is being genuine or not. But not always…
Some men are experts at getting involved and creating an intense attraction, even though they have little or no interest in something like a relationship. So let me give you a clear guideline here when meeting men…
Most men are capable of experiencing a “connection” with a woman through simple physical attraction. In fact, in some men’s mind, the attraction IS the connection they have with the woman. But not many men are ready for the “emotional” aspects of the “connection” or a relationship that can follow. And the men who want to attract you with techniques and planned behavior are generally the men that women SHOULD avoid.
Why?
Well, on one level it means that if he’s someone who’s out there using techniques and tricks to pick up women—he’s a “player.”
Here’s the inside dirt on players. Men who are into picking up women do it because the challenge of picking up a woman validates their intense need to feel important, powerful, and attractive. They don’t have the personal skills to feel these things from within, so they constantly seek outside validation to feel good about themselves. They are NOT looking to settle down, they don’t care about the woman they’re with, and they don’t want a relationship with any woman no matter how cool or beautiful she is. The excitement of the search for women, the challenge of picking up new women, and the instant gratification these men get is all they’re after.
Christian Carter continues....
Don’t ever think that a player’s mentality has anything to do with who you are or how you look. You won’t EVER be able to change or tame a guy like this because it’s all about him. For players, they only want women in their lives to fulfill their physical desires and to validate their ego. They can’t even consider the fulfillment they could get from a relationship because emotional fulfillment isn’t part of their personal values.
Dear Sarah –
My question would be I keep getting approached by men with no cars, no jobs or liars. I want to share my home with a man who doesn't do drugs, has a job and a car and like to do sports and I'd like to date. All the men I know claim they can't afford to date and I never get to date unless it's a freebie or family party. No concerts or movies. What can I do to change my life where I can get dates and find a man that I'm evenly yoked with and not who feels he's getting a good deal from a 'good woman'. I want to be the good woman who is getting the props she deserves from the men in her life not just men who turn to hating women as soon as they don't get what they want or are narcissists. Finally, I want to forget about my broken heart from an imaginary 7 year relationship. I don't know why I'm not healed a year later! I look forward to your help. Thank you!
~Tired of the Games
Dear Tired –
I feel your pain! On of the most common dating advice questions I get is either how to spot a player or how to find a good guy – which seem to actually go hand in hand. In order to find a good guy, according to Christian Carter – you need to know how to spot a player! It’s like finding the right fruit in the produce isle – you have to know how to tell the rotten tomatoes from the good tomatoes – by knowing what to look for in the firmness, the skin, the color, the scent – but you will never really know if you have that perfect tomato until you have bitten in – and by that time, you can’t return it.
In other words – what I am saying is that the best way to learn to spot Mr. Right – is to learn to spot Mr. Wrong first.
So, let’s go over a few types of players and how to spot them. If you want to read up on this more extensively, check out Christian Carter’s eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him, pages 59 and on.
Christian Carter writes….
How To Spot A Player… And How To Handle One If You Have To
Let’s dig a little deeper into the male mind. Have you ever been swept off your feet by a man that you just met, only to learn days or weeks later that he wasn’t as interested in being with you as you were led to believe?
Some men view picking up women as a sort of game. (Awful, but true.) They brag about their success with women with each other. Some even have pick-up lines, routines, gags, tricks, and attitudes they use in order to take on a persona they believe will be more attractive to women. Maybe you’ve overheard some men discussing these “pick-up” techniques with each other.
If you’re friends with any “Players,” or if you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of trying to date a hopeless Player, then you know what I’m talking about.
Christian Carter continues, in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook….
There are three different types of Players…
Type 1) The Ego-Driven Players
These are the guys who need attention from multiple women because it feeds their ego and makes them feel better about themselves. They aren’t necessarily bad guys, just shameless flirts that usually don’t know any better than to live their lives seeking approval and validation from multiple women. They know how to make a deep connection right off the bat. Since some women feel so flattered by this attention, they will tend to share more of their private thoughts and feelings with these kinds of men.
Type 2) The “Social” Players.
These are the guys who make a career out of learning how to pick up women and it becomes their favorite evening past-time. You’ll find them out partying constantly, always going somewhere, always having a woman to call and never spending a weekend evening at home. They tend to congregate with other Players like themselves who are out to meet new women.
Type 3) The “Physical” Players.
These guys are seek a purely physical encounter and don’t have much else on their mind. They’re often the more sensual and artistic types and charm women with their body language and their ability to make a woman comfortable with intimate contact soon after they meet.
A few years ago I (Christian Carter) noticed something FASCINATING about the guys that women think of as “Players.” Ever since I’ve been old enough to go out to the places where men and women meet (bars, clubs, restaurants, museums, parties, etc.) I’ve seen men who are good-looking, attractive, entertaining, powerful, etc. attract women regardless of their ultimate intentions.
These guys represent a certain dilemma for women because of the ATTRACTION women feel for them and what I call the guys’ “RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL.”
What I’m getting at is that the qualities that attract women to Players are often the same qualities that make Players bad “boyfriend material.” It’s often these men who aren’t caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc. that women end up feeling attracted to and share chemistry with.
Have you ever felt a strong connection with a dominant, powerful, and unavailable man?
The things is, what often makes men intriguing, interesting, and attractive has NOTHING to do with whether they’d make a good mate or partner. In fact, these men are often the exact wrong types to be looking to for a more meaningful relationship with.
But what’s worse, the men who are actually the ones ready and waiting for a relationship with a woman in their life aren’t often as skilled or experienced at creating a connection with a woman, so women often aren’t attracted to them.
As luck would have it, women are equipped with all kinds of intuitive ability to read through a man’s behavior and to see the good from the bad. Most women can quickly pick up on whether someone is being genuine or not. But not always…
Some men are experts at getting involved and creating an intense attraction, even though they have little or no interest in something like a relationship. So let me give you a clear guideline here when meeting men…
Most men are capable of experiencing a “connection” with a woman through simple physical attraction. In fact, in some men’s mind, the attraction IS the connection they have with the woman. But not many men are ready for the “emotional” aspects of the “connection” or a relationship that can follow. And the men who want to attract you with techniques and planned behavior are generally the men that women SHOULD avoid.
Why?
Well, on one level it means that if he’s someone who’s out there using techniques and tricks to pick up women—he’s a “player.”
Here’s the inside dirt on players. Men who are into picking up women do it because the challenge of picking up a woman validates their intense need to feel important, powerful, and attractive. They don’t have the personal skills to feel these things from within, so they constantly seek outside validation to feel good about themselves. They are NOT looking to settle down, they don’t care about the woman they’re with, and they don’t want a relationship with any woman no matter how cool or beautiful she is. The excitement of the search for women, the challenge of picking up new women, and the instant gratification these men get is all they’re after.
Christian Carter continues....
Don’t ever think that a player’s mentality has anything to do with who you are or how you look. You won’t EVER be able to change or tame a guy like this because it’s all about him. For players, they only want women in their lives to fulfill their physical desires and to validate their ego. They can’t even consider the fulfillment they could get from a relationship because emotional fulfillment isn’t part of their personal values.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Christian Carter's Question May Really Piss You Off
Dating advice and relationship questions are why I am here – I have studied the works of Christian Carter, Rori Raye, Emily McKay and many others in order to help YOU figure out your relationship and dating problems. I firmly believe, though, that EVERYONE can benefit from another’s problems – and the answers to those problems.
I would like to share with you this letter I got from a very troubled young lady. This is what she wrote to me:
Dear Sarah -
I am dating a guy who isn’t perfect and I accept him that way but he like points out every imperfections of mine always. I know I really love him and very happy in his company, and each time I try to get to know him better he just lies to me. I am 22 and I really don’t know how old he is BECAUSE he has told me 3 different ages like 26,23,and 25 I mean I tell him all about me we are so close yet apart because I don’t know his family or background he has refused to tell his people about me let alone introduce us. When I told him I was going to tell my parents about him he got hysterical and said I should wait for about 3 years more before I do. At first we talked about marriage and all when we first met. But now it seems everything I do pisses him off, and sometimes he gets abusive. He complains about the way I do things, blames me for anything that goes wrong even if am I and he is sure he had a hand in it I find this hard to understand he is so difficult and now he has made me come to think I am really at fault at least when we talk, he just wouldn’t admit to it. he speaks angrily to me, he had my pictures on his pc before he went to see his family but deleted it all when he got there, speaks hurtful words to me we can’t talk things out without him getting aggressive when I try to tell him he is hurting my feelings, doesn’t care how I feel, stops me talking to any male because he has trust issues. I don’t know if it’s because I live with him or I see him every minute or because he knows I love him so much and he is taking me for granted. I don’t know what to do I feel sad and have sleepless nights I think I need quick help before I go crazy just thinking. well at first I thought I was being too curious or clingy but now I don’t ask him questions what so ever and it’s still the same and even worse what do you think I should do he has asked for break up a couple of times but stops after some talks and reassurances from me.
Troubled –
Miss D
This is my answer to this young lady.
Dear Miss D –
I have read your letter over several times now, and I would like to read it BACK to you, in sort of a short-hand form. Sometimes, situations are not clear to us, as we are in the middle of them, kind of like the old saying “You cannot see the forest for the trees”. Or – as Dr. Phil and Christan Carter have been known to say, “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”
Ok, so your boyfriend is….
-A liar (he won’t tell you his real age, his family, his background, his friends, etc)
-Abusive (physical, emotional, verbal, it does not matter. Abuse is abuse.)
-Blaming (i.e. – too immature to take his own part in fault that may be his, too egotistical to admit wrongdoing, judgmental and narrow-minded?)
-Has tried to break up with you already
Ok – honey. I know you say you love this guy – BUT WHY? I see no mention of redeeming qualities here, which says to me that this is just base attraction – not real love. In other words, according to Christian Carter, its infatuation, not love. Attraction can come on many levels, and while Christian Carter says that attraction is not a choice – and I believe he is 100% right – you DO have the choice as t what you do with that.
Let me tell you in no uncertain terms – WALK AWAY NOW. Leave this BOY that you are trailing after like a lost puppy and find yourself a competent, responsible MAN who will treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserve. (In fact, go read Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep him eBook, page 55, about the dangers of chemistry. )
Now – let me ask you the toughest question of them all. this question, inspired by Christian Carter's eBook, may really piss you off, but keep reading.
Is it the drama you like?
There had to be some kind of alarm bells going off in your head as you were writing that letter to me. Everything you listed about this BOY is bad – so it begs the question – is it the drama that you like about him? Do you like having trouble in your life? Does it excite you? You may think these are mean questions – and I do not intend them to be. What I DO intend, tough, is for you to take a very close look at WHY you are with this child – because that is what he is. If it’s the “Bad Boy” charisma, as Christian carter calls it, that you like, then you need to learn the difference between a real man and a boy who is pretending to be a man.
A real man can be dashing, take charge, powerful and charismatic. But what he will NOT do is lie to you, hide you, push you away and blame you for the wrongs in his life. A REAL man will bring you to his side as a partner and confidant; he will uplift you, help you, laugh with you, hear your fears and your triumphs, and generally be your PARTNER in life. He WILL excite you and make you feel that rush you may be craving from your bad boy, but he will NOT leave you feeling empty, used and bewildered.
Do you see what I am saying?
Now, one final thought to leave you with – and it is taken from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 149. “No single person can ever give you exactly what you want emotionally.”
ONLY YOU can do this for yourself. So maybe it’s time you started questing inward for the love you need before you try to find that “wholeness” from another source that leaves you less than fulfilled.
I would like to share with you this letter I got from a very troubled young lady. This is what she wrote to me:
Dear Sarah -
I am dating a guy who isn’t perfect and I accept him that way but he like points out every imperfections of mine always. I know I really love him and very happy in his company, and each time I try to get to know him better he just lies to me. I am 22 and I really don’t know how old he is BECAUSE he has told me 3 different ages like 26,23,and 25 I mean I tell him all about me we are so close yet apart because I don’t know his family or background he has refused to tell his people about me let alone introduce us. When I told him I was going to tell my parents about him he got hysterical and said I should wait for about 3 years more before I do. At first we talked about marriage and all when we first met. But now it seems everything I do pisses him off, and sometimes he gets abusive. He complains about the way I do things, blames me for anything that goes wrong even if am I and he is sure he had a hand in it I find this hard to understand he is so difficult and now he has made me come to think I am really at fault at least when we talk, he just wouldn’t admit to it. he speaks angrily to me, he had my pictures on his pc before he went to see his family but deleted it all when he got there, speaks hurtful words to me we can’t talk things out without him getting aggressive when I try to tell him he is hurting my feelings, doesn’t care how I feel, stops me talking to any male because he has trust issues. I don’t know if it’s because I live with him or I see him every minute or because he knows I love him so much and he is taking me for granted. I don’t know what to do I feel sad and have sleepless nights I think I need quick help before I go crazy just thinking. well at first I thought I was being too curious or clingy but now I don’t ask him questions what so ever and it’s still the same and even worse what do you think I should do he has asked for break up a couple of times but stops after some talks and reassurances from me.
Troubled –
Miss D
This is my answer to this young lady.
Dear Miss D –
I have read your letter over several times now, and I would like to read it BACK to you, in sort of a short-hand form. Sometimes, situations are not clear to us, as we are in the middle of them, kind of like the old saying “You cannot see the forest for the trees”. Or – as Dr. Phil and Christan Carter have been known to say, “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”
Ok, so your boyfriend is….
-A liar (he won’t tell you his real age, his family, his background, his friends, etc)
-Abusive (physical, emotional, verbal, it does not matter. Abuse is abuse.)
-Blaming (i.e. – too immature to take his own part in fault that may be his, too egotistical to admit wrongdoing, judgmental and narrow-minded?)
-Has tried to break up with you already
Ok – honey. I know you say you love this guy – BUT WHY? I see no mention of redeeming qualities here, which says to me that this is just base attraction – not real love. In other words, according to Christian Carter, its infatuation, not love. Attraction can come on many levels, and while Christian Carter says that attraction is not a choice – and I believe he is 100% right – you DO have the choice as t what you do with that.
Let me tell you in no uncertain terms – WALK AWAY NOW. Leave this BOY that you are trailing after like a lost puppy and find yourself a competent, responsible MAN who will treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserve. (In fact, go read Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep him eBook, page 55, about the dangers of chemistry. )
Now – let me ask you the toughest question of them all. this question, inspired by Christian Carter's eBook, may really piss you off, but keep reading.
Is it the drama you like?
There had to be some kind of alarm bells going off in your head as you were writing that letter to me. Everything you listed about this BOY is bad – so it begs the question – is it the drama that you like about him? Do you like having trouble in your life? Does it excite you? You may think these are mean questions – and I do not intend them to be. What I DO intend, tough, is for you to take a very close look at WHY you are with this child – because that is what he is. If it’s the “Bad Boy” charisma, as Christian carter calls it, that you like, then you need to learn the difference between a real man and a boy who is pretending to be a man.
A real man can be dashing, take charge, powerful and charismatic. But what he will NOT do is lie to you, hide you, push you away and blame you for the wrongs in his life. A REAL man will bring you to his side as a partner and confidant; he will uplift you, help you, laugh with you, hear your fears and your triumphs, and generally be your PARTNER in life. He WILL excite you and make you feel that rush you may be craving from your bad boy, but he will NOT leave you feeling empty, used and bewildered.
Do you see what I am saying?
Now, one final thought to leave you with – and it is taken from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 149. “No single person can ever give you exactly what you want emotionally.”
ONLY YOU can do this for yourself. So maybe it’s time you started questing inward for the love you need before you try to find that “wholeness” from another source that leaves you less than fulfilled.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What do Christan Carter and Secret Occult Underworlds Have In Common?
WHAT?? Christan Carter and Secret Occult Underworlds?? I know - it sounds outrageous, but please do allow me to explain. It probably NOT what you were thinking (I know, I had visions of Edward Cullen and Christian Carter growling at each other in a Twilight-like scenario...)
Anyway - let's get to te point. Have you ever wondered what self-limiting beliefs are holding you back in your life? This is a very important aspect of dating, and Christian Carter addresses it in his eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him, (starting on page 38) and leads women through recognizing these beliefs and developing the tools to overcome them.
Today, I will be discussing on of these beliefs that Christian Carter points out. The first belief that stops many women from using their amazing sense of intuition and getting the love they so desperately want is the belief that your own experiences ARE reality.
This sounds really odd, doesn’t it? I mean, what other reality can there be other than your own? Well, I am not talking about other plains of existence or secret occult underworlds or anything creepy like that – what I am talking about is the experiences of others – and melding them with the experiences that YOU have been through.
Christian Carter explains it well in Catch Him and Keep Him, telling women that “These beliefs aren’t about “reality”, even though they seem real to you inside your mind. They’re about the things you’ve learned to fear and worry about, which have become your small lens for viewing what’s happening around you” (p 38).
So what does that MEAN to you in your relationship? Well, what it means is that you may have beliefs like 1)Men are liars 2)Men only want one thing 3)You cannot have a GOOD relationship 4)You are incapable of maintaining enough attraction to keep a man….and so on.
But what you have to realize, what Christian Carter explains in Catch Him and Keep Him, is that these are beliefs that you may not even REALIZE you hold – and they are destroying your chances at having a beautiful, healthy relationship. If you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you are not WORTHY of having a wonderful, caring, loving relationship, and that no man will find you attractive enough to even notice you, what do you think your chances are of meeting and making it with a wonderful, deserving guy?
Probably slim to none, if you secretly think you cannot. The first step to ACHIEVING is BELIEVING. So you have to identify these beliefs, eradicate them, and replace them with new, healthy, positive beliefs about yourself.
Christian Carter encourages women to do this, as he believes that women everywhere are beautiful, loving and deserving of a wonderful and healthy relationship. Natural and Lasting Attraction will come if you allow yourself to EXPECT that it will come, that you deserve it, that you are healthy and beautiful and vibrant. Learning to expect these things of yourself will produce confidence and attraction to men, which according to Christian Carter, cannot be replaced by ephemeral beauty and physical, fleeting, surface attraction.
Anyway - let's get to te point. Have you ever wondered what self-limiting beliefs are holding you back in your life? This is a very important aspect of dating, and Christian Carter addresses it in his eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him, (starting on page 38) and leads women through recognizing these beliefs and developing the tools to overcome them.
Today, I will be discussing on of these beliefs that Christian Carter points out. The first belief that stops many women from using their amazing sense of intuition and getting the love they so desperately want is the belief that your own experiences ARE reality.
This sounds really odd, doesn’t it? I mean, what other reality can there be other than your own? Well, I am not talking about other plains of existence or secret occult underworlds or anything creepy like that – what I am talking about is the experiences of others – and melding them with the experiences that YOU have been through.
Christian Carter explains it well in Catch Him and Keep Him, telling women that “These beliefs aren’t about “reality”, even though they seem real to you inside your mind. They’re about the things you’ve learned to fear and worry about, which have become your small lens for viewing what’s happening around you” (p 38).
So what does that MEAN to you in your relationship? Well, what it means is that you may have beliefs like 1)Men are liars 2)Men only want one thing 3)You cannot have a GOOD relationship 4)You are incapable of maintaining enough attraction to keep a man….and so on.
But what you have to realize, what Christian Carter explains in Catch Him and Keep Him, is that these are beliefs that you may not even REALIZE you hold – and they are destroying your chances at having a beautiful, healthy relationship. If you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you are not WORTHY of having a wonderful, caring, loving relationship, and that no man will find you attractive enough to even notice you, what do you think your chances are of meeting and making it with a wonderful, deserving guy?
Probably slim to none, if you secretly think you cannot. The first step to ACHIEVING is BELIEVING. So you have to identify these beliefs, eradicate them, and replace them with new, healthy, positive beliefs about yourself.
Christian Carter encourages women to do this, as he believes that women everywhere are beautiful, loving and deserving of a wonderful and healthy relationship. Natural and Lasting Attraction will come if you allow yourself to EXPECT that it will come, that you deserve it, that you are healthy and beautiful and vibrant. Learning to expect these things of yourself will produce confidence and attraction to men, which according to Christian Carter, cannot be replaced by ephemeral beauty and physical, fleeting, surface attraction.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Christian Carter Tells Women - Screw Validation!
Communication is a key concept that Christian Carter discusses in his Catch Him and Keep him eBook. How women respond to men is an integral part of relationship management – on any level in any situation – and can really make or break a relationship.
We have all heard, whether we are a man or a woman, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we are two sides of a different coin, we are worlds apart and make no sense (a line from Last of the Mohicans that I have always loved!) etc. The general consensus, however it is phrased, is that men and women are two very separate species when it comes to communication and understanding.
I get that, and its ok! Its OK to not always understand what your man is thinking. Christian Carter stresses in catch Him and Keep Him that it is natural and to be EXPECTED.
However, one of the key mistakes that we make, as women, is trying to get MEN to validate OUR thought process and OUR reactions. Now, think about what Christian Carter is saying here for a second.
1) Men and women think, inherently, and react differently, to many situations
2) It’s ok when we do not always understand each other; it’s to be expected
3) If we cannot expect to understand them, how is that we, as women, want to MAKE them understand us?
The point is, trying to make a man VALIDATE your feelings and tell you it is ok to feel the way you do or react the way you do is not going to work. What you are trying to do, in essence, is force him to conform to your ideas and beliefs.
I seriously doubt that that is what you mean to do.
But, as Christian Carter says, that is what it feels like to a man when you try to make him validate your feelings or reactions.
What exactly IS validation? Well, validation is when you are, in essence, seeking his approval to feel what you are feeling. It is feeling the need to EXPLAIN every feeling you have, and explain it until he UNDERSTANDS it.
Christian Carter tells women readers in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook that this is one of the behaviors that men view as needy and as a turn off. Christian is not saying it IS – he is saying it is how it is generally perceived by men. Again, the gap of understanding between men and women can be more like a gulf at times, and this is one of those things that separate the men from the women.
So what, as women, do we do? Well, simply stop. First and foremost – you are your own person, You do not NEED validation from anyone to know that your own feelings are valid, true and uniquely yours. It is what makes YOU- you. You need to understand that your views do not depend on others, and that you just simply do NOT NEED his validation.
Christian Carter says that the confidence alone that comes from knowing you need no one else’s validation is a HUGE attraction boost, and will help you to Catch him and Keep Him.
We have all heard, whether we are a man or a woman, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we are two sides of a different coin, we are worlds apart and make no sense (a line from Last of the Mohicans that I have always loved!) etc. The general consensus, however it is phrased, is that men and women are two very separate species when it comes to communication and understanding.
I get that, and its ok! Its OK to not always understand what your man is thinking. Christian Carter stresses in catch Him and Keep Him that it is natural and to be EXPECTED.
However, one of the key mistakes that we make, as women, is trying to get MEN to validate OUR thought process and OUR reactions. Now, think about what Christian Carter is saying here for a second.
1) Men and women think, inherently, and react differently, to many situations
2) It’s ok when we do not always understand each other; it’s to be expected
3) If we cannot expect to understand them, how is that we, as women, want to MAKE them understand us?
The point is, trying to make a man VALIDATE your feelings and tell you it is ok to feel the way you do or react the way you do is not going to work. What you are trying to do, in essence, is force him to conform to your ideas and beliefs.
I seriously doubt that that is what you mean to do.
But, as Christian Carter says, that is what it feels like to a man when you try to make him validate your feelings or reactions.
What exactly IS validation? Well, validation is when you are, in essence, seeking his approval to feel what you are feeling. It is feeling the need to EXPLAIN every feeling you have, and explain it until he UNDERSTANDS it.
Christian Carter tells women readers in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook that this is one of the behaviors that men view as needy and as a turn off. Christian is not saying it IS – he is saying it is how it is generally perceived by men. Again, the gap of understanding between men and women can be more like a gulf at times, and this is one of those things that separate the men from the women.
So what, as women, do we do? Well, simply stop. First and foremost – you are your own person, You do not NEED validation from anyone to know that your own feelings are valid, true and uniquely yours. It is what makes YOU- you. You need to understand that your views do not depend on others, and that you just simply do NOT NEED his validation.
Christian Carter says that the confidence alone that comes from knowing you need no one else’s validation is a HUGE attraction boost, and will help you to Catch him and Keep Him.
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