Players. Pick Up Artists. General jerks and jackasses. Christian Carter, in Catch Him and Keep Him, addresses these ego-driven doorknobs, telling women how to spot them and how to deal with them if you find yourself unfortunate enough to get caught up with one. I also get a lot of questions about players – and non-players – especially questions about how to spot either kind of man. Read on for a question from a subscriber….
Dear Sarah –
My question would be I keep getting approached by men with no cars, no jobs or liars. I want to share my home with a man who doesn't do drugs, has a job and a car and like to do sports and I'd like to date. All the men I know claim they can't afford to date and I never get to date unless it's a freebie or family party. No concerts or movies. What can I do to change my life where I can get dates and find a man that I'm evenly yoked with and not who feels he's getting a good deal from a 'good woman'. I want to be the good woman who is getting the props she deserves from the men in her life not just men who turn to hating women as soon as they don't get what they want or are narcissists. Finally, I want to forget about my broken heart from an imaginary 7 year relationship. I don't know why I'm not healed a year later! I look forward to your help. Thank you!
~Tired of the Games
Dear Tired –
I feel your pain! On of the most common dating advice questions I get is either how to spot a player or how to find a good guy – which seem to actually go hand in hand. In order to find a good guy, according to Christian Carter – you need to know how to spot a player! It’s like finding the right fruit in the produce isle – you have to know how to tell the rotten tomatoes from the good tomatoes – by knowing what to look for in the firmness, the skin, the color, the scent – but you will never really know if you have that perfect tomato until you have bitten in – and by that time, you can’t return it.
In other words – what I am saying is that the best way to learn to spot Mr. Right – is to learn to spot Mr. Wrong first.
So, let’s go over a few types of players and how to spot them. If you want to read up on this more extensively, check out Christian Carter’s eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him, pages 59 and on.
Christian Carter writes….
How To Spot A Player… And How To Handle One If You Have To
Let’s dig a little deeper into the male mind. Have you ever been swept off your feet by a man that you just met, only to learn days or weeks later that he wasn’t as interested in being with you as you were led to believe?
Some men view picking up women as a sort of game. (Awful, but true.) They brag about their success with women with each other. Some even have pick-up lines, routines, gags, tricks, and attitudes they use in order to take on a persona they believe will be more attractive to women. Maybe you’ve overheard some men discussing these “pick-up” techniques with each other.
If you’re friends with any “Players,” or if you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of trying to date a hopeless Player, then you know what I’m talking about.
Christian Carter continues, in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook….
There are three different types of Players…
Type 1) The Ego-Driven Players
These are the guys who need attention from multiple women because it feeds their ego and makes them feel better about themselves. They aren’t necessarily bad guys, just shameless flirts that usually don’t know any better than to live their lives seeking approval and validation from multiple women. They know how to make a deep connection right off the bat. Since some women feel so flattered by this attention, they will tend to share more of their private thoughts and feelings with these kinds of men.
Type 2) The “Social” Players.
These are the guys who make a career out of learning how to pick up women and it becomes their favorite evening past-time. You’ll find them out partying constantly, always going somewhere, always having a woman to call and never spending a weekend evening at home. They tend to congregate with other Players like themselves who are out to meet new women.
Type 3) The “Physical” Players.
These guys are seek a purely physical encounter and don’t have much else on their mind. They’re often the more sensual and artistic types and charm women with their body language and their ability to make a woman comfortable with intimate contact soon after they meet.
A few years ago I (Christian Carter) noticed something FASCINATING about the guys that women think of as “Players.” Ever since I’ve been old enough to go out to the places where men and women meet (bars, clubs, restaurants, museums, parties, etc.) I’ve seen men who are good-looking, attractive, entertaining, powerful, etc. attract women regardless of their ultimate intentions.
These guys represent a certain dilemma for women because of the ATTRACTION women feel for them and what I call the guys’ “RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL.”
What I’m getting at is that the qualities that attract women to Players are often the same qualities that make Players bad “boyfriend material.” It’s often these men who aren’t caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc. that women end up feeling attracted to and share chemistry with.
Have you ever felt a strong connection with a dominant, powerful, and unavailable man?
The things is, what often makes men intriguing, interesting, and attractive has NOTHING to do with whether they’d make a good mate or partner. In fact, these men are often the exact wrong types to be looking to for a more meaningful relationship with.
But what’s worse, the men who are actually the ones ready and waiting for a relationship with a woman in their life aren’t often as skilled or experienced at creating a connection with a woman, so women often aren’t attracted to them.
As luck would have it, women are equipped with all kinds of intuitive ability to read through a man’s behavior and to see the good from the bad. Most women can quickly pick up on whether someone is being genuine or not. But not always…
Some men are experts at getting involved and creating an intense attraction, even though they have little or no interest in something like a relationship. So let me give you a clear guideline here when meeting men…
Most men are capable of experiencing a “connection” with a woman through simple physical attraction. In fact, in some men’s mind, the attraction IS the connection they have with the woman. But not many men are ready for the “emotional” aspects of the “connection” or a relationship that can follow. And the men who want to attract you with techniques and planned behavior are generally the men that women SHOULD avoid.
Why?
Well, on one level it means that if he’s someone who’s out there using techniques and tricks to pick up women—he’s a “player.”
Here’s the inside dirt on players. Men who are into picking up women do it because the challenge of picking up a woman validates their intense need to feel important, powerful, and attractive. They don’t have the personal skills to feel these things from within, so they constantly seek outside validation to feel good about themselves. They are NOT looking to settle down, they don’t care about the woman they’re with, and they don’t want a relationship with any woman no matter how cool or beautiful she is. The excitement of the search for women, the challenge of picking up new women, and the instant gratification these men get is all they’re after.
Christian Carter continues....
Don’t ever think that a player’s mentality has anything to do with who you are or how you look. You won’t EVER be able to change or tame a guy like this because it’s all about him. For players, they only want women in their lives to fulfill their physical desires and to validate their ego. They can’t even consider the fulfillment they could get from a relationship because emotional fulfillment isn’t part of their personal values.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Christian Carter's Question May Really Piss You Off
Dating advice and relationship questions are why I am here – I have studied the works of Christian Carter, Rori Raye, Emily McKay and many others in order to help YOU figure out your relationship and dating problems. I firmly believe, though, that EVERYONE can benefit from another’s problems – and the answers to those problems.
I would like to share with you this letter I got from a very troubled young lady. This is what she wrote to me:
Dear Sarah -
I am dating a guy who isn’t perfect and I accept him that way but he like points out every imperfections of mine always. I know I really love him and very happy in his company, and each time I try to get to know him better he just lies to me. I am 22 and I really don’t know how old he is BECAUSE he has told me 3 different ages like 26,23,and 25 I mean I tell him all about me we are so close yet apart because I don’t know his family or background he has refused to tell his people about me let alone introduce us. When I told him I was going to tell my parents about him he got hysterical and said I should wait for about 3 years more before I do. At first we talked about marriage and all when we first met. But now it seems everything I do pisses him off, and sometimes he gets abusive. He complains about the way I do things, blames me for anything that goes wrong even if am I and he is sure he had a hand in it I find this hard to understand he is so difficult and now he has made me come to think I am really at fault at least when we talk, he just wouldn’t admit to it. he speaks angrily to me, he had my pictures on his pc before he went to see his family but deleted it all when he got there, speaks hurtful words to me we can’t talk things out without him getting aggressive when I try to tell him he is hurting my feelings, doesn’t care how I feel, stops me talking to any male because he has trust issues. I don’t know if it’s because I live with him or I see him every minute or because he knows I love him so much and he is taking me for granted. I don’t know what to do I feel sad and have sleepless nights I think I need quick help before I go crazy just thinking. well at first I thought I was being too curious or clingy but now I don’t ask him questions what so ever and it’s still the same and even worse what do you think I should do he has asked for break up a couple of times but stops after some talks and reassurances from me.
Troubled –
Miss D
This is my answer to this young lady.
Dear Miss D –
I have read your letter over several times now, and I would like to read it BACK to you, in sort of a short-hand form. Sometimes, situations are not clear to us, as we are in the middle of them, kind of like the old saying “You cannot see the forest for the trees”. Or – as Dr. Phil and Christan Carter have been known to say, “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”
Ok, so your boyfriend is….
-A liar (he won’t tell you his real age, his family, his background, his friends, etc)
-Abusive (physical, emotional, verbal, it does not matter. Abuse is abuse.)
-Blaming (i.e. – too immature to take his own part in fault that may be his, too egotistical to admit wrongdoing, judgmental and narrow-minded?)
-Has tried to break up with you already
Ok – honey. I know you say you love this guy – BUT WHY? I see no mention of redeeming qualities here, which says to me that this is just base attraction – not real love. In other words, according to Christian Carter, its infatuation, not love. Attraction can come on many levels, and while Christian Carter says that attraction is not a choice – and I believe he is 100% right – you DO have the choice as t what you do with that.
Let me tell you in no uncertain terms – WALK AWAY NOW. Leave this BOY that you are trailing after like a lost puppy and find yourself a competent, responsible MAN who will treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserve. (In fact, go read Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep him eBook, page 55, about the dangers of chemistry. )
Now – let me ask you the toughest question of them all. this question, inspired by Christian Carter's eBook, may really piss you off, but keep reading.
Is it the drama you like?
There had to be some kind of alarm bells going off in your head as you were writing that letter to me. Everything you listed about this BOY is bad – so it begs the question – is it the drama that you like about him? Do you like having trouble in your life? Does it excite you? You may think these are mean questions – and I do not intend them to be. What I DO intend, tough, is for you to take a very close look at WHY you are with this child – because that is what he is. If it’s the “Bad Boy” charisma, as Christian carter calls it, that you like, then you need to learn the difference between a real man and a boy who is pretending to be a man.
A real man can be dashing, take charge, powerful and charismatic. But what he will NOT do is lie to you, hide you, push you away and blame you for the wrongs in his life. A REAL man will bring you to his side as a partner and confidant; he will uplift you, help you, laugh with you, hear your fears and your triumphs, and generally be your PARTNER in life. He WILL excite you and make you feel that rush you may be craving from your bad boy, but he will NOT leave you feeling empty, used and bewildered.
Do you see what I am saying?
Now, one final thought to leave you with – and it is taken from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 149. “No single person can ever give you exactly what you want emotionally.”
ONLY YOU can do this for yourself. So maybe it’s time you started questing inward for the love you need before you try to find that “wholeness” from another source that leaves you less than fulfilled.
I would like to share with you this letter I got from a very troubled young lady. This is what she wrote to me:
Dear Sarah -
I am dating a guy who isn’t perfect and I accept him that way but he like points out every imperfections of mine always. I know I really love him and very happy in his company, and each time I try to get to know him better he just lies to me. I am 22 and I really don’t know how old he is BECAUSE he has told me 3 different ages like 26,23,and 25 I mean I tell him all about me we are so close yet apart because I don’t know his family or background he has refused to tell his people about me let alone introduce us. When I told him I was going to tell my parents about him he got hysterical and said I should wait for about 3 years more before I do. At first we talked about marriage and all when we first met. But now it seems everything I do pisses him off, and sometimes he gets abusive. He complains about the way I do things, blames me for anything that goes wrong even if am I and he is sure he had a hand in it I find this hard to understand he is so difficult and now he has made me come to think I am really at fault at least when we talk, he just wouldn’t admit to it. he speaks angrily to me, he had my pictures on his pc before he went to see his family but deleted it all when he got there, speaks hurtful words to me we can’t talk things out without him getting aggressive when I try to tell him he is hurting my feelings, doesn’t care how I feel, stops me talking to any male because he has trust issues. I don’t know if it’s because I live with him or I see him every minute or because he knows I love him so much and he is taking me for granted. I don’t know what to do I feel sad and have sleepless nights I think I need quick help before I go crazy just thinking. well at first I thought I was being too curious or clingy but now I don’t ask him questions what so ever and it’s still the same and even worse what do you think I should do he has asked for break up a couple of times but stops after some talks and reassurances from me.
Troubled –
Miss D
This is my answer to this young lady.
Dear Miss D –
I have read your letter over several times now, and I would like to read it BACK to you, in sort of a short-hand form. Sometimes, situations are not clear to us, as we are in the middle of them, kind of like the old saying “You cannot see the forest for the trees”. Or – as Dr. Phil and Christan Carter have been known to say, “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”
Ok, so your boyfriend is….
-A liar (he won’t tell you his real age, his family, his background, his friends, etc)
-Abusive (physical, emotional, verbal, it does not matter. Abuse is abuse.)
-Blaming (i.e. – too immature to take his own part in fault that may be his, too egotistical to admit wrongdoing, judgmental and narrow-minded?)
-Has tried to break up with you already
Ok – honey. I know you say you love this guy – BUT WHY? I see no mention of redeeming qualities here, which says to me that this is just base attraction – not real love. In other words, according to Christian Carter, its infatuation, not love. Attraction can come on many levels, and while Christian Carter says that attraction is not a choice – and I believe he is 100% right – you DO have the choice as t what you do with that.
Let me tell you in no uncertain terms – WALK AWAY NOW. Leave this BOY that you are trailing after like a lost puppy and find yourself a competent, responsible MAN who will treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserve. (In fact, go read Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep him eBook, page 55, about the dangers of chemistry. )
Now – let me ask you the toughest question of them all. this question, inspired by Christian Carter's eBook, may really piss you off, but keep reading.
Is it the drama you like?
There had to be some kind of alarm bells going off in your head as you were writing that letter to me. Everything you listed about this BOY is bad – so it begs the question – is it the drama that you like about him? Do you like having trouble in your life? Does it excite you? You may think these are mean questions – and I do not intend them to be. What I DO intend, tough, is for you to take a very close look at WHY you are with this child – because that is what he is. If it’s the “Bad Boy” charisma, as Christian carter calls it, that you like, then you need to learn the difference between a real man and a boy who is pretending to be a man.
A real man can be dashing, take charge, powerful and charismatic. But what he will NOT do is lie to you, hide you, push you away and blame you for the wrongs in his life. A REAL man will bring you to his side as a partner and confidant; he will uplift you, help you, laugh with you, hear your fears and your triumphs, and generally be your PARTNER in life. He WILL excite you and make you feel that rush you may be craving from your bad boy, but he will NOT leave you feeling empty, used and bewildered.
Do you see what I am saying?
Now, one final thought to leave you with – and it is taken from Christian Carter’s Catch Him and Keep Him eBook on page 149. “No single person can ever give you exactly what you want emotionally.”
ONLY YOU can do this for yourself. So maybe it’s time you started questing inward for the love you need before you try to find that “wholeness” from another source that leaves you less than fulfilled.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What do Christan Carter and Secret Occult Underworlds Have In Common?
WHAT?? Christan Carter and Secret Occult Underworlds?? I know - it sounds outrageous, but please do allow me to explain. It probably NOT what you were thinking (I know, I had visions of Edward Cullen and Christian Carter growling at each other in a Twilight-like scenario...)
Anyway - let's get to te point. Have you ever wondered what self-limiting beliefs are holding you back in your life? This is a very important aspect of dating, and Christian Carter addresses it in his eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him, (starting on page 38) and leads women through recognizing these beliefs and developing the tools to overcome them.
Today, I will be discussing on of these beliefs that Christian Carter points out. The first belief that stops many women from using their amazing sense of intuition and getting the love they so desperately want is the belief that your own experiences ARE reality.
This sounds really odd, doesn’t it? I mean, what other reality can there be other than your own? Well, I am not talking about other plains of existence or secret occult underworlds or anything creepy like that – what I am talking about is the experiences of others – and melding them with the experiences that YOU have been through.
Christian Carter explains it well in Catch Him and Keep Him, telling women that “These beliefs aren’t about “reality”, even though they seem real to you inside your mind. They’re about the things you’ve learned to fear and worry about, which have become your small lens for viewing what’s happening around you” (p 38).
So what does that MEAN to you in your relationship? Well, what it means is that you may have beliefs like 1)Men are liars 2)Men only want one thing 3)You cannot have a GOOD relationship 4)You are incapable of maintaining enough attraction to keep a man….and so on.
But what you have to realize, what Christian Carter explains in Catch Him and Keep Him, is that these are beliefs that you may not even REALIZE you hold – and they are destroying your chances at having a beautiful, healthy relationship. If you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you are not WORTHY of having a wonderful, caring, loving relationship, and that no man will find you attractive enough to even notice you, what do you think your chances are of meeting and making it with a wonderful, deserving guy?
Probably slim to none, if you secretly think you cannot. The first step to ACHIEVING is BELIEVING. So you have to identify these beliefs, eradicate them, and replace them with new, healthy, positive beliefs about yourself.
Christian Carter encourages women to do this, as he believes that women everywhere are beautiful, loving and deserving of a wonderful and healthy relationship. Natural and Lasting Attraction will come if you allow yourself to EXPECT that it will come, that you deserve it, that you are healthy and beautiful and vibrant. Learning to expect these things of yourself will produce confidence and attraction to men, which according to Christian Carter, cannot be replaced by ephemeral beauty and physical, fleeting, surface attraction.
Anyway - let's get to te point. Have you ever wondered what self-limiting beliefs are holding you back in your life? This is a very important aspect of dating, and Christian Carter addresses it in his eBook, Catch Him and Keep Him, (starting on page 38) and leads women through recognizing these beliefs and developing the tools to overcome them.
Today, I will be discussing on of these beliefs that Christian Carter points out. The first belief that stops many women from using their amazing sense of intuition and getting the love they so desperately want is the belief that your own experiences ARE reality.
This sounds really odd, doesn’t it? I mean, what other reality can there be other than your own? Well, I am not talking about other plains of existence or secret occult underworlds or anything creepy like that – what I am talking about is the experiences of others – and melding them with the experiences that YOU have been through.
Christian Carter explains it well in Catch Him and Keep Him, telling women that “These beliefs aren’t about “reality”, even though they seem real to you inside your mind. They’re about the things you’ve learned to fear and worry about, which have become your small lens for viewing what’s happening around you” (p 38).
So what does that MEAN to you in your relationship? Well, what it means is that you may have beliefs like 1)Men are liars 2)Men only want one thing 3)You cannot have a GOOD relationship 4)You are incapable of maintaining enough attraction to keep a man….and so on.
But what you have to realize, what Christian Carter explains in Catch Him and Keep Him, is that these are beliefs that you may not even REALIZE you hold – and they are destroying your chances at having a beautiful, healthy relationship. If you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you are not WORTHY of having a wonderful, caring, loving relationship, and that no man will find you attractive enough to even notice you, what do you think your chances are of meeting and making it with a wonderful, deserving guy?
Probably slim to none, if you secretly think you cannot. The first step to ACHIEVING is BELIEVING. So you have to identify these beliefs, eradicate them, and replace them with new, healthy, positive beliefs about yourself.
Christian Carter encourages women to do this, as he believes that women everywhere are beautiful, loving and deserving of a wonderful and healthy relationship. Natural and Lasting Attraction will come if you allow yourself to EXPECT that it will come, that you deserve it, that you are healthy and beautiful and vibrant. Learning to expect these things of yourself will produce confidence and attraction to men, which according to Christian Carter, cannot be replaced by ephemeral beauty and physical, fleeting, surface attraction.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Christian Carter Tells Women - Screw Validation!
Communication is a key concept that Christian Carter discusses in his Catch Him and Keep him eBook. How women respond to men is an integral part of relationship management – on any level in any situation – and can really make or break a relationship.
We have all heard, whether we are a man or a woman, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we are two sides of a different coin, we are worlds apart and make no sense (a line from Last of the Mohicans that I have always loved!) etc. The general consensus, however it is phrased, is that men and women are two very separate species when it comes to communication and understanding.
I get that, and its ok! Its OK to not always understand what your man is thinking. Christian Carter stresses in catch Him and Keep Him that it is natural and to be EXPECTED.
However, one of the key mistakes that we make, as women, is trying to get MEN to validate OUR thought process and OUR reactions. Now, think about what Christian Carter is saying here for a second.
1) Men and women think, inherently, and react differently, to many situations
2) It’s ok when we do not always understand each other; it’s to be expected
3) If we cannot expect to understand them, how is that we, as women, want to MAKE them understand us?
The point is, trying to make a man VALIDATE your feelings and tell you it is ok to feel the way you do or react the way you do is not going to work. What you are trying to do, in essence, is force him to conform to your ideas and beliefs.
I seriously doubt that that is what you mean to do.
But, as Christian Carter says, that is what it feels like to a man when you try to make him validate your feelings or reactions.
What exactly IS validation? Well, validation is when you are, in essence, seeking his approval to feel what you are feeling. It is feeling the need to EXPLAIN every feeling you have, and explain it until he UNDERSTANDS it.
Christian Carter tells women readers in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook that this is one of the behaviors that men view as needy and as a turn off. Christian is not saying it IS – he is saying it is how it is generally perceived by men. Again, the gap of understanding between men and women can be more like a gulf at times, and this is one of those things that separate the men from the women.
So what, as women, do we do? Well, simply stop. First and foremost – you are your own person, You do not NEED validation from anyone to know that your own feelings are valid, true and uniquely yours. It is what makes YOU- you. You need to understand that your views do not depend on others, and that you just simply do NOT NEED his validation.
Christian Carter says that the confidence alone that comes from knowing you need no one else’s validation is a HUGE attraction boost, and will help you to Catch him and Keep Him.
We have all heard, whether we are a man or a woman, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we are two sides of a different coin, we are worlds apart and make no sense (a line from Last of the Mohicans that I have always loved!) etc. The general consensus, however it is phrased, is that men and women are two very separate species when it comes to communication and understanding.
I get that, and its ok! Its OK to not always understand what your man is thinking. Christian Carter stresses in catch Him and Keep Him that it is natural and to be EXPECTED.
However, one of the key mistakes that we make, as women, is trying to get MEN to validate OUR thought process and OUR reactions. Now, think about what Christian Carter is saying here for a second.
1) Men and women think, inherently, and react differently, to many situations
2) It’s ok when we do not always understand each other; it’s to be expected
3) If we cannot expect to understand them, how is that we, as women, want to MAKE them understand us?
The point is, trying to make a man VALIDATE your feelings and tell you it is ok to feel the way you do or react the way you do is not going to work. What you are trying to do, in essence, is force him to conform to your ideas and beliefs.
I seriously doubt that that is what you mean to do.
But, as Christian Carter says, that is what it feels like to a man when you try to make him validate your feelings or reactions.
What exactly IS validation? Well, validation is when you are, in essence, seeking his approval to feel what you are feeling. It is feeling the need to EXPLAIN every feeling you have, and explain it until he UNDERSTANDS it.
Christian Carter tells women readers in his Catch Him and Keep Him eBook that this is one of the behaviors that men view as needy and as a turn off. Christian is not saying it IS – he is saying it is how it is generally perceived by men. Again, the gap of understanding between men and women can be more like a gulf at times, and this is one of those things that separate the men from the women.
So what, as women, do we do? Well, simply stop. First and foremost – you are your own person, You do not NEED validation from anyone to know that your own feelings are valid, true and uniquely yours. It is what makes YOU- you. You need to understand that your views do not depend on others, and that you just simply do NOT NEED his validation.
Christian Carter says that the confidence alone that comes from knowing you need no one else’s validation is a HUGE attraction boost, and will help you to Catch him and Keep Him.
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